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Last Night’s Encounter

I had another “sleep paralysis/hypnagogic hallucination” last night. It had been building slowly over the previous few nights, after not happening for a few weeks now. Two nights ago I was dreaming that I couldn’t move my right thumb and was scared. When I woke up for real I couldn’t move it at first! It was not asleep. Whatever it was wore off quickly and I was left with the frightened feeling.

Notes: I have been very tired this week. I’m off Microgestin this week.

Whatever. Last night was a doozy.

It happened as usual where I drifted off to “sleep” but could feel the buzzy paralysis feeling coming on. I was in an out like that for a little bit. When these episodes happen I always have a hard time remembering the details the next day, so I can’t say exactly what happened but next thing I knew I was very, very frightened. For no reason this time that I can recall. Sometimes it comes from the feeling that I can’t move but this time was different, I know it wasn’t that. I was just scared. Brian – a dark, shadowy figure – was next to me in bed and leaned over me to console me – to tell me it was ok.

Only it wasn’t Brian! As “he” pulled me into his arms and said the words, “It’s alright, it’s okay…” while patting my back and hugging me ever tighter, I realized it was not Brian’s voice and, moreover, my eyes were not open and I was not, in fact, awake. As I realized this the thing’s grip got tighter and I panicked and finally woke myself up for real.

I jumped awake, was terrified, whimpering and out of breath. Brian – who had been asleep for real – woke up from my making noise and proceeded to really comfort me.

I cried for a half an hour.

I was so frightened and SURE there was something in the room with us still. When I finally calmed down (Brian had to turn on the light this time, usually I don’t need that – and I was even too scared to roll over and turn on my own light this time, too!), I went back to sleep with no further interruption.

I don’t know if this just a clinical problem – or if it’s a clinical problem that unintentionally opens the doorways to other dimensions. No one really knows. But I have had too much happen to me for my mind not to be open. I know I am sensitive.

One other happening I wanted to write about happened a few weeks ago. I fell asleep with one hand under my pillow – as I usually do. This time as I fell asleep I felt another hand grab mine. Not sinister or evil that time. But it still frightened me, of course. I wish I could keep my composure in such episodes. I’m trying to work on that.

One thing I have noticed works wonders to keep these episodes from happening is that I now try to say the Lord’s prayer to myself – as well as some other prayers – before I fall asleep. I also envision myself wrapped in a protective white light. I got the idea from a paranormal message board. I am not particularly religious, and nothing else ever worked before so I had no real hope that this trick would work. But, lo and behold – it usually does! Or it at least keeps episodes from becoming too frightening.

I forgot to do it last night.

Migraine again

Originally posted 09/10/2007

I wanted to make a point of writing this down because I think I am developing a new theory about my sleep paralysis and hypnagogic hallucinations. I think they might be a kind of migraine “aura” for me. I got another migraine yesterday. It was brutal by the time I went to sleep last night. I have to talk to Brian, because sometimes I don’t remember but I don’t think I had a sp/hh episode last night. Interesting. The only other “aura” I had for this migraine was a sudden sick-to-my-stomach episode at work on Wednesday with no known cause. I’m trying to keep track of this stuff to figure out the causes or the patterns. It is complicated now that I am switching bc pills once again, though. 

So, I’m still in the “getting over it” stage of this migraine and feel loopy. it’s funny, the one migrine I ever had with a standard aura (blurry spots in my vision), the migraine itself wasn’t as bad as my usual ones, but the aftemath of not feeling myself was worse and went on for days. Now I still feel a little headachey, but not so loopy as that.

I have to say – what is wrong with me? My grandmother is in the throes of Alzheimer’s Disease or some kind of dementia right now. My mother, sister, and cousin and I are scared to death it will be our inherited legacy as well. My grandmother’s mother died of this disease after a loooong bout of living in a nursing home. Most, if not all, of her sisters (6, I think) have died of this disease. Right now my grandmother’s at the stage where she’s still aware enough to live by herself but unaware that she’s repeating herself and making no sense most of the time, not understanding why my mother and her sister have to take care of her affairs. She’s getting belligerent but no one wants to put her in a home and “break her spirit.” I will say one thing: the women on that side of the family are strong as oxes. It’s a handed-down thing to say that they have that “strong pioneer spirit.” That side of the family has a history in America going back hundreds of years. The women tend to have this Alzheimers problem but very, very strong hearts, so they live a long time despite being, eventually, completely out-of-it. Scary stuff. So there is some kind of bad “brain thing” that runs in my family. My sister had (she is currently off medication and doing ok so far so I don’t know if it’s still described as her “having” it now) epilepsy. She had two major seizures. Both, I think, when she was extremely over-tired. And I get this stupid sleep-paralysis/hypnagogic hallucination thing when I am over-tired or over-stressed, or in a pms state. Brain problems. Scary.

Another Sleep Episode

Originally posted 09/09/2006

Last night I had another spectacular sleep paralysis episode. As I was falling asleep I drifted into that nether-world between sleep and awake. Some shadowy figure hovered over me. It’s form was vaguely human-shaped but it was all black and had no face. It began to suck on my fingertips on my right hand. It was where I knew Brian to be in our bed. Or between us, perhaps. But hovering over me doing this to my fingers. As I realized I was paralyzed and became quickly alarmed, I began to feel my breath being sucked out of me. I have asthma and thought I might be dying of an attack. I heard myself wheezing hard and choking not breathing. The sucking on my fingers was stronger. Terrified I woke myself up. When I did this I literally jumped in the bed. It woke Brian up. Whimpering, I touched him as this made me feel better. 

This was one of the episodes I’ll remember a long time. Sometimes I don’t remember until I go to bed the next night. A lot of times the next day I can remember something happened but not exactly what. 

I am on new bc pills – this is the first month of a new one. I am also sleep-deprived as work is very stressful lately. The pills and lack of sleep always seem to be triggers.

The common symptoms that I get upon awakening from this “thing” are: headache to middle of forehead, wet inner ears (I know, yuck!), rapid heartbeat as if really having defended myself, and my hearing ability is increased exponentially. I hear every little thing after an episode. Or I think I do. Sometimes they are probably auditory hallucinations. Also, it usually takes me some time to be comfortable in the room, as there is a STRONG feeling of there being a sinister presence there.

I am a little scared to go to bed because I’m sure it will happen tonight. Sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy. I’ve had this problem for over 10 years in one form or another. But it has been out-of-control for the last few years.

The Dream Police, They Live Inside Of My Head

Originally posted 06/16/2006

I freaking wish they did! I had another major episode last night in my “sleep.” I have talked about this before and I have little attacks on at least a monthly basis. It all seems to be attached to hormonal triggers for me – but I can’t be sure. The experiences are truly terrifying. There is no way to get across the pure terror.

I had two to three little attacks before the major one last night. All the while I’m falling asleep and in kind of a “twilight ” state between consciousness and unconsciousness. I know a major attack is coming, yet am so tired I can’t bring myself to fully waken. Suddenly, I feel someone – a man, I am sure of it – lying down on the bed. Brian is already sleeping next to me and at first I think it is him shifting. But I am acutely aware of a pair of heavy boots this man is wearing as they make a peculiar noise – squeaky leather – and have a certain heaviness I know to be work boots. Suddenly it occurs to me that Brian wouldn’t wear his boots to bed! So who the – what the? He’s lying down next to me, touching my back. Everything starts to feel frightening – but not sinister and evil as it sometimes does. Then this “presence” puts his weight – albeit gently – on the entire length of my body. I am sure it is a ghost. I don’t open my eyes, just begin to thrash about trying to throw “him” off and yelling “No – no! Get off me!” He won’t get off, just grips me tighter. I thrash harder.

Or so I thought, because just then I catapult into “reality” and am merely whimpering and jump one little bit only as I come out of this state. This time it was enough, though, to wake Brian up. He is already saying to me, “it’s okay – it’s okay” and trying to soothe me. It’s no use. It’s one of those episodes so startlingly terrifying that the hair on my arms is standing on end and I feel a strong chill. I couldn’t even cry. That came later – maybe a half hour later – as I cried myself to sleep.

I have no doubt that this is a hormonally induced state of some sort that our brain gets us into. However, I am not above thinking it may be a way of tapping into an “alternate” reality. A parallel universe where our souls reside after our earthly shells depart? I just don’t know. I just know how frightening it is to feel out of control of everything because I can’t move. Feels like the world is closing in on me. It’s horrible. 

I have been researching my family’s genealogy. I recently came upon some difficult to find info of a 1st cousin (twice removed) of mine who was known to be buried next to my great-great grandfather with my last name. No one knew who this person was until I uncovered some info. He died at age 12 in a bicycle accident back in 1919. I just figured this out last Sunday. When I started to become calm again last night this was one of the first things I thought of. Had he visited me? This episode didn’t feel as evil as some of the others. Just frightening. Did he come to see me to thank me for bothering to find out who he was? The idea gnaws at me.

So here I am, 12:29 a.m. procrastinating sleep because my head already hurts and I am over-tired. Both things usually precipitate an attack. Although I know it can’t hurt me – I am still scared sh.tless of what going to bed will bring. 15 years of this nonsense and I still am not comfortable with it. That should give you an idea of the level of terror involved. *sigh* such is life. I’m off to bed. Wish me luck.

(Wish my sister more as she is getting her chemo port taken out tomorrow (yay!).)

So much mystery…

Originally posted 08/14/2005

…Anyhoo, last night I found that my bruise went best with my black Motley Crue Dr. Feelgood sleeveless tee acquired from the sale rack at Hot Topic. Lest you think I’m one of those morons that dresses head-to-toe Hot Topic, um…no. I prefer to peruse the sale rack more or less bi-weekly. I almost never buy anything there at their ridiculous original pricing. And it’s usually a band tank top of some sort. Very rarely anything with “grommets” or “buckles” or sh.t like that. I use Hot Topic to enhance my wardrobe – not as a closet for god sake. I hate those people!

So the Crue top enhanced my blood-giving bruise very nicely. I think Everyone should have a bitchen bruise to offset the perfection of their skin. It’s like a built-in piece of jewelry.

I had two separate Sleep Paralysis incidences this week that were very extreme. In the first I was having a normal dream when suddenly I became conscious and thought the cat was walking on the bed (he really wasn’t in the room and the door was shut). Then I felt the pressure of someone sitting on me and could hear voices chattering around me. I started to panic but couldn’t scream. I looked over at Brian and could only see his hands gripping the blanket in terror. I finally woke up out of breath and in a panic and Brian was….asleep. I was so frightened I couldn’t calm down and had to wake him up. I ended up bawling like a baby for a half hour before I felt better. Doesn’t this sound pleasant?

The other incident was the very next night. I wasn’t even asleep yet, just trying, when I fell into a hallucination. I was lying on my stomach and felt someone -something- climb on top of me and lay on the full length of my body. I started to panic and a female voice said in my ear something ridiculous like “Cowboy (guy’s name I can’t remember) loves the (something else I can’t recall)” and then this sinister giggle. I yelled “WTF? Get off me!” and thrashed to try to throw the…entity…off me. I heard more chattering and giggling and just felt evil and darkness all around. Then I finally woke up. Upset, I woke Brian up again and freaked out. I know it sounds so crazy. But it honestly feels like someone or something is f.cking with you. Two nights in a row was really hard. I just kept thinking “leave me alone! please leave me alone!”. So I don’t know what this is. They can say all they want about it being a part of the brain that is unexplored. Maybe that’s it. But it sure feels more sinister and dark when you’re experiencing it. It is SO REAL. My words can’t even properly convey it. I don’t care how insane I sound. They were very real experiences. I hadn’t eaten anything weird. But I was very tired (especially the second night) and had a very stressful week.

Whoa, this post turned unfun! Guess I’ll shut up….

“To sleep, perchance to dream…aye, there’s the rub…”

Originally posted 07/27/2005

I think Shakespeare had it right.I have a sleep disorder. Sometimes it happens on a weekly basis. Sometimes more than once a week. Sometimes less. I have never written it down or kept track, but I should. There’s only one thing keeping me from doing this: TERROR. After it happens I can’t do anything but lay there in fear, much less sit up, turn on a light and write it all down. What I experience is called Sleep Paralysis.

The article I just linked is from a journal just this month describing the phenomenon. Not a lot is known about it, and though it seems to have been happening to people for hundreds of years it is just beginning to be studied. Experiences vary, with some key features common to almost everyone. I’m going to take the time here to describe in general my usual experience.

The episodes usually occur on a night when I am very tired. Overly tired. Sometimes I’ve noticed it happens when I’ve had a lot of caffeine, but I haven’t always had caffeine when it happens – if that makes sense. And I’m not always extremely tired, either. I am to the point when I can usually (but not always) tell when I am going to have an episode. It always, always happens as I am drifting off to sleep, and the way I can tell sometimes is that I have a strange headache brewing in the back of my eyeballs that seems to yank on my temples from the inside. It’s not painful, no, it’s more of a pressure. Nevertheless, I can’t help but be pulled into “sleep” (you’ll see why I’ve used the quotes in a minute). I cannot describe this any better than saying it’s an experience you are “pulled” into. It’s like you are going to sleep normally…and then something happens.

My episodes do not always occur the way I’m about to describe, but it happens this way more often than not. I am pulled into dream sleep extremely quickly – meaning, I start dreaming way too quickly after falling asleep. And extremely vividly. Usually, I am having some sort of a pleasant or at least non-disturbing dream when slowly it starts to change. My dream quickly becomes a nightmare (and by quickly I mean in an instant!). Then as I regain consiousness (conscious though still asleep – after so many episodes I know that I am still asleep even though I feel awake) and the dream itself subsides I am left being conscious yet my body is asleep and the world becomes something sinister and frightening. A deep, deep fear that is more accurately described as a feeling of sheer terror takes hold. Unlike a lot of people, I mostly refuse to open my eyes during these episodes. There is a feeling of something evil, something very, very evil in the room. I don’t open my eyes because I have read what other people see when they open their eyes (demons, bugs, fire, aliens etc.). At this point, having had so many of these experiences, I usually realize I am having an episode and try to remain calm. But trying to remain calm never works. Never. That’s the “thing” about Sleep Paralysis that is amazing – no matter how many times you go through it and know what is happening (more or less) the fear and terror are so undeniably great that it overpowers every rational thought you try to have. The feeling of impending doom is just too real and the terror is undeniable. All the while I try to wake myself up – but I am paralyzed. I can move my mouth, my eyes, and I am breathing – but everything else doesn’t work. I scream Brian’s name and “help!” at the top of my lungs but it somes out like a squeak to me. I flail around trying to roll over, move a limb, anything that would wake me up for real. Sometimes I do open my eyes for a second and I see Brian there. The other night the terror continued as I opened my eyes and Brian was awake leaning over me but I feared him (and he was really asleep and I hallucinated that!). That doesn’t usually happen, but I did just remember that happening.

When I finally manage to jerk myself awake I feel like I have been to hell and back. I am out of breath – yes, I have asthma, but this is not like an attack, it’s more like I was just running for my life. I almost always have a headache that appears to be coming from my sinuses in my forehead and aches into my temples. My heart is beating ninety miles an hour. I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown and Brian…is still asleep. This is nothing against him. It’s just absolutely stunning to awaken after so many things have happened and find that nothing really happened at all in the “real” world. It feels so real. SO REAL. Being conscious the feelings are REAL. Sometimes it’s so bad I end up sobbing and Brian wakes up and holds me until I feel better or fall asleep again. When I lived by myself I’d hide with my head under the covers until my heart rate slowed down, the fear subsided, and my breathing returned to normal.

There aren’t words to describe how real this phenomenon feels. I fear I’m going to have a heart attack from fear one of these nights. At some point or other I have experienced all of the Sleep Paralysis phenomenon – the weight on my chest, the sense of a presence cozying up to me, voices (be it unknown voices speaking gibberish in my ear or my own parents calling my name). Years ago I had outer-body experiences. There are too many instances to get into in this blog right now. I find the entire thing a great fascination. I cannot believe it hasn’t been explored before now. It would be fantastic to me, except for the fear. Oh, the fear.

Words cannot do justice to the terror that goes hand-in-hand with sleep paralysis.

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