“To sleep, perchance to dream…aye, there’s the rub…”

Originally posted 07/27/2005

I think Shakespeare had it right.I have a sleep disorder. Sometimes it happens on a weekly basis. Sometimes more than once a week. Sometimes less. I have never written it down or kept track, but I should. There’s only one thing keeping me from doing this: TERROR. After it happens I can’t do anything but lay there in fear, much less sit up, turn on a light and write it all down. What I experience is called Sleep Paralysis.

The article I just linked is from a journal just this month describing the phenomenon. Not a lot is known about it, and though it seems to have been happening to people for hundreds of years it is just beginning to be studied. Experiences vary, with some key features common to almost everyone. I’m going to take the time here to describe in general my usual experience.

The episodes usually occur on a night when I am very tired. Overly tired. Sometimes I’ve noticed it happens when I’ve had a lot of caffeine, but I haven’t always had caffeine when it happens – if that makes sense. And I’m not always extremely tired, either. I am to the point when I can usually (but not always) tell when I am going to have an episode. It always, always happens as I am drifting off to sleep, and the way I can tell sometimes is that I have a strange headache brewing in the back of my eyeballs that seems to yank on my temples from the inside. It’s not painful, no, it’s more of a pressure. Nevertheless, I can’t help but be pulled into “sleep” (you’ll see why I’ve used the quotes in a minute). I cannot describe this any better than saying it’s an experience you are “pulled” into. It’s like you are going to sleep normally…and then something happens.

My episodes do not always occur the way I’m about to describe, but it happens this way more often than not. I am pulled into dream sleep extremely quickly – meaning, I start dreaming way too quickly after falling asleep. And extremely vividly. Usually, I am having some sort of a pleasant or at least non-disturbing dream when slowly it starts to change. My dream quickly becomes a nightmare (and by quickly I mean in an instant!). Then as I regain consiousness (conscious though still asleep – after so many episodes I know that I am still asleep even though I feel awake) and the dream itself subsides I am left being conscious yet my body is asleep and the world becomes something sinister and frightening. A deep, deep fear that is more accurately described as a feeling of sheer terror takes hold. Unlike a lot of people, I mostly refuse to open my eyes during these episodes. There is a feeling of something evil, something very, very evil in the room. I don’t open my eyes because I have read what other people see when they open their eyes (demons, bugs, fire, aliens etc.). At this point, having had so many of these experiences, I usually realize I am having an episode and try to remain calm. But trying to remain calm never works. Never. That’s the “thing” about Sleep Paralysis that is amazing – no matter how many times you go through it and know what is happening (more or less) the fear and terror are so undeniably great that it overpowers every rational thought you try to have. The feeling of impending doom is just too real and the terror is undeniable. All the while I try to wake myself up – but I am paralyzed. I can move my mouth, my eyes, and I am breathing – but everything else doesn’t work. I scream Brian’s name and “help!” at the top of my lungs but it somes out like a squeak to me. I flail around trying to roll over, move a limb, anything that would wake me up for real. Sometimes I do open my eyes for a second and I see Brian there. The other night the terror continued as I opened my eyes and Brian was awake leaning over me but I feared him (and he was really asleep and I hallucinated that!). That doesn’t usually happen, but I did just remember that happening.

When I finally manage to jerk myself awake I feel like I have been to hell and back. I am out of breath – yes, I have asthma, but this is not like an attack, it’s more like I was just running for my life. I almost always have a headache that appears to be coming from my sinuses in my forehead and aches into my temples. My heart is beating ninety miles an hour. I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown and Brian…is still asleep. This is nothing against him. It’s just absolutely stunning to awaken after so many things have happened and find that nothing really happened at all in the “real” world. It feels so real. SO REAL. Being conscious the feelings are REAL. Sometimes it’s so bad I end up sobbing and Brian wakes up and holds me until I feel better or fall asleep again. When I lived by myself I’d hide with my head under the covers until my heart rate slowed down, the fear subsided, and my breathing returned to normal.

There aren’t words to describe how real this phenomenon feels. I fear I’m going to have a heart attack from fear one of these nights. At some point or other I have experienced all of the Sleep Paralysis phenomenon – the weight on my chest, the sense of a presence cozying up to me, voices (be it unknown voices speaking gibberish in my ear or my own parents calling my name). Years ago I had outer-body experiences. There are too many instances to get into in this blog right now. I find the entire thing a great fascination. I cannot believe it hasn’t been explored before now. It would be fantastic to me, except for the fear. Oh, the fear.

Words cannot do justice to the terror that goes hand-in-hand with sleep paralysis.

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