The Dream Police, They Live Inside Of My Head

Originally posted 06/16/2006

I freaking wish they did! I had another major episode last night in my “sleep.” I have talked about this before and I have little attacks on at least a monthly basis. It all seems to be attached to hormonal triggers for me – but I can’t be sure. The experiences are truly terrifying. There is no way to get across the pure terror.

I had two to three little attacks before the major one last night. All the while I’m falling asleep and in kind of a “twilight ” state between consciousness and unconsciousness. I know a major attack is coming, yet am so tired I can’t bring myself to fully waken. Suddenly, I feel someone – a man, I am sure of it – lying down on the bed. Brian is already sleeping next to me and at first I think it is him shifting. But I am acutely aware of a pair of heavy boots this man is wearing as they make a peculiar noise – squeaky leather – and have a certain heaviness I know to be work boots. Suddenly it occurs to me that Brian wouldn’t wear his boots to bed! So who the – what the? He’s lying down next to me, touching my back. Everything starts to feel frightening – but not sinister and evil as it sometimes does. Then this “presence” puts his weight – albeit gently – on the entire length of my body. I am sure it is a ghost. I don’t open my eyes, just begin to thrash about trying to throw “him” off and yelling “No – no! Get off me!” He won’t get off, just grips me tighter. I thrash harder.

Or so I thought, because just then I catapult into “reality” and am merely whimpering and jump one little bit only as I come out of this state. This time it was enough, though, to wake Brian up. He is already saying to me, “it’s okay – it’s okay” and trying to soothe me. It’s no use. It’s one of those episodes so startlingly terrifying that the hair on my arms is standing on end and I feel a strong chill. I couldn’t even cry. That came later – maybe a half hour later – as I cried myself to sleep.

I have no doubt that this is a hormonally induced state of some sort that our brain gets us into. However, I am not above thinking it may be a way of tapping into an “alternate” reality. A parallel universe where our souls reside after our earthly shells depart? I just don’t know. I just know how frightening it is to feel out of control of everything because I can’t move. Feels like the world is closing in on me. It’s horrible. 

I have been researching my family’s genealogy. I recently came upon some difficult to find info of a 1st cousin (twice removed) of mine who was known to be buried next to my great-great grandfather with my last name. No one knew who this person was until I uncovered some info. He died at age 12 in a bicycle accident back in 1919. I just figured this out last Sunday. When I started to become calm again last night this was one of the first things I thought of. Had he visited me? This episode didn’t feel as evil as some of the others. Just frightening. Did he come to see me to thank me for bothering to find out who he was? The idea gnaws at me.

So here I am, 12:29 a.m. procrastinating sleep because my head already hurts and I am over-tired. Both things usually precipitate an attack. Although I know it can’t hurt me – I am still scared sh.tless of what going to bed will bring. 15 years of this nonsense and I still am not comfortable with it. That should give you an idea of the level of terror involved. *sigh* such is life. I’m off to bed. Wish me luck.

(Wish my sister more as she is getting her chemo port taken out tomorrow (yay!).)